Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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