We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
