he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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