So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize