we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
