So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
