I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
