I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
