i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
