it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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