Just fell off a train. Bad.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize
