i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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