you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I am midnight drunk by noon
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
