She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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