the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
And then he peed in my hair
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