After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
