her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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