the condom got lost in my hair
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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