cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
