I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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