you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
