my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
