I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
