im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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