matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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