living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
