I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
