she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Never joke about your clitoris.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
