he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
