oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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