Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
