i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
