Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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