I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
