I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
