Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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