my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
