Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize