Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
