I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
