I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
