Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
