Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
