Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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