is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We left the knife in your bed.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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