Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
