if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
