love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
