shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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