That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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