She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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