Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
