Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
