I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
