ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
