im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
